Luminous

I saw her. I knew she came there everyday. She had to. That small tin bowl needed to be filled. It was her only possession, and maybe the only one that mattered. I would look at her, she knew I did and every time I was compelled to walk those steps between us, dig my pocket and grab whatever I could and contribute to a day’s earning. But she didn’t accept anything without giving something; a smile was what I was buying.

Her smile, a fair exchange I wouldn’t agree with. Afterall I couldn’t reciprocate the same hope. And I have no idea if I affect her heart the same way she does to me. She lights a corner of it, darkness you see is the absence of light. Nah, I wouldn’t say it was the self appreciation or the height of my greatness that brought those. Well not convincing enough, is it? It was there somehow probably but more than that I looked up to her. The current gaga of idolization you see got over me, she became my idol. It’s funny how positions change; makes me think if it exists to begin with.

For the love of the world, only if I could exchange a rupee for her thoughts. Maybe that would somehow escape me out of my rut, make me see things as what they might be rather than what they are. I don’t know, and always it’s the uncertainty that pulls me, shakes me, awakens me. How she can give me a new life, though only when I crush hers beneath me, demean it. Staring down at her, is it what takes to caution me, when she suffers, is it what takes to caution me? I don’t want to believe that. My insides, they defy me.

I have always wondered, rather on a curious note, what it was that made me deserve so much more than her. I am not saying it’s just about karma and past deeds that made our lives so different. Why, in my heart I know my belief is only in this moment, this life. And in this life itself she, rather every human has the right to live to their utmost extent. This needs to be a practice not an utopian ideal. I don’t want answers, they’ve nothing to do with how things are. There’s a need for an effort. A hand that can extend its warmth to intertwine with the other, secure the energy. I desire that smile every morning, alas humans can’t live without habits, good or bad. That smile, if it comes from my effort of course it would benefit me but if it finds her for her genuine happiness, not a look of gratitude rather an appreciation of life, it would benefit her and illuminate me.